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trying to forget you`
is like trying to remember someone you never met
trying to let you go
`is like trying to keep something which i never attained

it's you
you who have won my heart
taken me into your arms
comforted me like a friend
your love
surrounded me from the start
i never want to be apart
from you ever again

christian bautista lyrics
lyrics site


satisfaction.
my poems. my deviant art. aiken (: amanda sweets. cheryl darling. cheryljo dearie. debby sweets. jazzie dearie. louis (: rachel sweets. serena sweets. sharyl sweets. sheena (:

broken memories.
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006

mending.



who am i inside

Saturday, October 15, 2005
3:07 AM

was reading my old blogs. i still keep the accounts. some how they mean alot to me even though the way i typed was rather childish. as i read each and every entry, the motion picture in my head played the movie entitled "my past". in it i realise that i never once really wrote something that was cheery. in everyone single one i could sense a feeling of pain, of sadness even though some entries didnt seem sad. ever since 2003 i realise that i havent been all that happy. actually it was way before that when things started to happen, bad things. i realise that i have been wearing a mask all this while. some how i have become so numb to it that it just becomes my everyday routine that even sometimes i dont even know who i really am on the inside anymore.

been wanting to blog the past few days about stuff inside, about how i feel and all but i guess everytime i open up this page everything that i want to say will just be stuck inside. i dont know where to start. soon i will end up signing out. but i guess i really need to get things out today. one of those random ramblings again. bare with me. (:

the another night i had this dream that somewhat made me happy but yet somewhat disturbing. most of my poly friends were in it. :x it has been haunting me for the past few days. somehow that feeling came back to me. sigh- it really got my thinking who i really am. it makes me feel that all these while i have been living a lie. i thought it was just a phase that everyone had to go through but looking back at my past entries, i realise that somehow it will creep back into my life. it has been years since primary school. this is too long a period for it to be just a phase. i really dont want things to turn out this way. but somehow my feelings just have to prove me wrong.

recently, i realise that whenever this someone were to sms me or talk to me on msn i will feel kinda happy. even if i just see this person online will just make me smile from ear to ear. sigh-
i hope it just because of the dream that is why i am feeling this way. i really hope so.

but yet i wish this was true. somehow i dont want to lie to myself anymore. sigh- but i know i cant. sometimes i just wish i could do the things that i have always wanted to do or be what i want to be so that i wont feel like i am living a lie. or will i i really dont know who am i anymore.

sometimes i wonder if i were to really do the things i wanted to and be what i wanted to be, will i be happy or will i be typing here say that i am living a lie, typing this exact same words. cheryl what do you think? you know me the best, what do you think? sigh-

can anyone just anyone tell me who i really am, why do i have to go through all these for the past 5 years coming to 6 years. i am tired. emotionally drained, mentally blacked out, physically hurting.

i wish i can live in my dreams or in my imagination, at least when i am there i am happy and i know who i am. at least i can have someone who will love me. someone to fill that emptiness in me. someone who will be sitting by the beach with me. sigh- i think some of the korean dramas is getting to me but still i wish i could live in my dreams. (:

i seem to be repeating myself over and over again in this entry. sigh- i really hope all this is just a phase and that it will go away soon. cos i know things will never turn out the way i wish it to be.

replies;

serena;
that was fast. hmmm... is it nice. i told my mum i want to get it and i even showed but she said it was kinda weird, a little childish but i like it! haha. i have jigsaws at home too but i never fix them cos i can never frame them up so i dont bother fixing them up. haha. but i want to fix that winnie the pooh one cos i like it! i must get it and frame it up too.
haha anw, thanks but i dont need you to haunt me. i just need to know that i still have you as my friend will do. (:

Cheryl dearie;
haha you trying to bluff who that i am skinny. haha. pictures never lie.
anw, thanks. i am really glad that our many years of friendship wont just go down the drain. i too will not let that happen. no matter what i will always be your friend. (: i too will not my back on you. i love you so much. dont worry about your o levels, i am sure you can do it. i have faith in you! (: you have my support all the way. *hugs


<3 broken never mended ;

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