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trying to forget you`
is like trying to remember someone you never met
trying to let you go
`is like trying to keep something which i never attained

it's you
you who have won my heart
taken me into your arms
comforted me like a friend
your love
surrounded me from the start
i never want to be apart
from you ever again

christian bautista lyrics
lyrics site


satisfaction.
my poems. my deviant art. aiken (: amanda sweets. cheryl darling. cheryljo dearie. debby sweets. jazzie dearie. louis (: rachel sweets. serena sweets. sharyl sweets. sheena (:

broken memories.
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006

mending.



noticeable transparency

Tuesday, September 20, 2005
11:29 PM

WARNING: this is gonna be a really long entry!

there are just so many things that i want to put it down in words but they are just not coming out. all of it is just stuck in my head. sometimes i wonder when will i ever be able to talk, to say what i want to and nothing really ever matters. i realise that i was once like that. i remember once in primary school i guess it was during exams i remember talking to a girl called phyills. i just told her everything, tho i wasnt really close to her. i was telling her how i felt at home and all and i even cried. but guess what, my classmate(s) did not bother and i guess some did let out a chuckle. sometimes i wonder why these things stay in my memory, i guess these are the things that make me what i am today. (i seriously dont know what that was about)

there are just so many things running through my brain right now. i dont know where to start.
i guess i shall slowly recollect my thoughts and sort them out one by one.

firstly, the one good thing (sorta) through out the whole week is
i went to church on sat finally after two weeks. i cried during worship again. (yess!) i was praying and telling God how i felt and how i no longer think i can take it and i dont know what is my purpose anymore. at that point of time all the crazy thoughts just came rushing in and i just had this urge to just run to the corner of the room and just squat there and cry my guts out but i didn't cos standing there crying was bad enough. after that, i felt even more down then i already were. but i guess, at least i let out to Him. sermon was wow! awesome! one verse really kept me going these pass few days and that is Isaiah 55:8-9

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD.
"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

i guess what shaunster said preached about was so true. we got to give up our precious so that God can move. i guess i gotta give up what is really precious to me, my dreams, so that he can move, so that i know what His purpose in my life is. Racheal said that everything that i have, even the next breath i take is His and well i guess that is true. so i guess we should give what is really precious to us so that the whole of heaven will stop moving and see. (:

however, on this day i also found out how outta place i felt. well, maybe not only in church but else where too. i guess maybe that is because i only started going for service for only like a few months while others have known each other since like young. so i guess i am not close to anyone of them. including you. so much so that i felt really bad that i could not be there for you when you needed it. ): oh wells. i hope you are okay.

next, back track a little bit, i went to msia on friday. it was okay just that it was really tiring. (: however, i guess that someone or something(s) must just ruin the day has been come part of the daily routine that i sorta have become so immune to it. i think. but somehow it still sorta gets to me.

next, i went out yesterday and i saw a few of my primary school friends yet none of them could ever recognise me. actually i dont blame them cos we were not close. but somehow it got me thinking. i just made me feel what is the significance in my life when friends of mine cant even recognise me. it is just really sad. really painful to know that i somehow you are in my memory yet i am not. i know it has been years so i dont blame you. but i sometimes i feel this way with my secondary school friends. it has just been a year ago and we have drifted. sometimes i feel that i am just a substitue or just someone to so happen to be there when you are alone or when you need company. you know how saddening and pain it is. i want so much to keep a good realtionship but i guess you guys arent. it is sad that, that period of time just lasted so short yet it will forever be in my memory.
i guess no matter what, thanks for making an impact in my life. i still thank God for each and everyone of you. i still treasure what we had. no matter what, i will always be there for you when you need me.(:

next, today, two of my church friends just walked pass me yet they did not see me. however i dont mind at all. it just shows me how insignificant i am really. oh wells. dont really know what else to say. sigh-

next, i was kinda disappointed on sun night. oh wells. what is new about this anw, dont i always fail in everything. i am not that important anyways. doesnt really matter anymore. argh!

lastly, debby sent me this email and i find certain things in it really true that i would like to share. i need not say any further, it tells it all.

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others
are the ones that really need some one to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I love you, Sorry and help me.
The people who say these are actually in need of them or really feel them, and are the ones you really need to treasure, because they have said them.

Did you know that people who occupy themselves by keeping others company or helping others are the ones that actually need your company and help?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face?But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face? -apparently i guess neither works well for me. haha! but i guess yea it is easier to write it out!

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do. -as for me i have given up asking for the first two but am still praying by faith for my sis to get well. but still i wish you all the best for the first two.

okay that is about what i have to say i guess.
here are just some birthday wishes, i didnt know that i know so many people born in september! haha! so here is my well wishes to each and everyone of you.
debby, scott, zachary, issac, racheal, janice, tricia jie and lucus.


<3 broken never mended ;

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